I love the feeling of really caring for someone even though they're only a ghost of a memory. 

Alright. As much as I love my life when it's rolling along and I'm going to class and doing my thing... I hate when it pauses. 

Thanksgiving break has been very typical. I sit around, hang out with my family, and eat pie. And Normally during break you celebrate the fact that all of your friends are in town and you get together right? Well no surprise here, every single one of the people I attempted to make plans with has flaked out on me. I even expect that tomorrow I will have a shortened time with Naomi. Maybe getting a meal in with her before I have to go to work. While I don't miss high school so much, I miss how much the friendships mattered. How important my twin dates were, how important watching I love the 70's was with Renee. The endless trips to Krispie Kreme... 

I don't have that anymore. I don't have a group of friends. I have one here in Austin. Nicole. She's amazing and I love her, but I wish I had that group dynamic. I want to be able to have my own place again and have wine wednesdays. I want to have people just hang out. But my life right now doesn't cater to that. I'm too busy. And I honestly don't have anyone that would show up if I did invite them over. 

But this is what happens when I pause. When I'm not fully busy filling my day, I'm dwelling on what if's and why not's. So on Monday school starts up again and I wont be so discouraged wishing I had something I'm missing. 

I think what I'm really missing is my best friend. But you tend to take a hint when someone quits returning your phone calls. 

Change! It jingles.

Things have been rolling right along for me. I am so excited about how my life is just constantly changing and I love every minute of it. I am quitting Olive Garden. As great of an opportunity as it sounded I just can't see staying at 7.25 an hour and hating some of my fellow hostesses. Instead I am going to be paid 16 an hour to work with awesome children. I also just joined an independent winter guard. I can't wait to get back to performing again! I love it. Things are working out so well for me and I am so excited!!

Photography

I am sooooo in love with this photograph.

And since no one reads my blog. I think its safe here. 

Anyway I have been on a photographic high lately. 

I can't wait to take more. 

Recession

So it's not hard to quit buying in excess and supporting the American affluent lifestyle. I have found that vowing not to eat fast food daily and refusing to shop at Target are easy starts. I recently read an article where the writer asked rappers to quit wearing bling and start conserving like the rest of the American public. My family has put a hold on renovations, I have decided not to repair my car. But what has the government asked of us? Nothing. Do they ask us to take the bus? No. Do they want us to buy organic so we don't have growth hormones from the cheap meat in the McDonalds we eat? No. When 9-11 happened they asked us to go shopping. 

It's what we do best!

Well I voted for Obama the other day. 

I hope he asks more of Americans than our past presidents have.  I know I'm willing to do more. 

But then again I'm a born Austinite. I've recycled since elementary school. I'm taking Environmental Science. I believe in sustainability. 

But that's just me.  How will you change the world?

Goals

This semester has been quite the journey for me. Well I guess it started toward the end of summer right before classes started. I'm still disappointed I'm not going to SCAD. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to get the future I wanted. I can still go to France. I can still study whatever I desire. I'm thinking about going to AI Austin. I'm not sure yet. They seemed kind of pretentious. But what university doesn't come off that way? 

I think that the best things I can do right now are focus on what I'm doing right now. I've always had my head into the future and not doing anything in the present to make that future happen. So I will strive for present happiness, with goals in mind. 

Personal Goals,

Get accepted to and attend a good university that will inspire and offer me what I need

Go to France for 1 year

Buy a historical home to restore

Adopt a dog

Get Organized and stay that way

Save for Repairs on my Car to eventually trade in for a blue green Celica

Receive a profession where I can inspire and create

Save the World.

By the way I voted. In hopes of change and a positive future for my future family. I had a conversation recently where I heard that the only two parts of life were survival and reproduction. I must say that I believe the point of life is to live it, drama filled and happiness fulfilling. 

Now I'm off to carve pumpkins with my two favorite boys. 

They happen to be 5 and 8.

Spirited!

So in the Halloween spirit, I have gone CRAZY!

Included in my festivities are pumpkin carving, watching scary movies, making playlists of great Halloween music and painting my toes orange. (one has a pumpkin shhh)

Playlist is as follows

I put a spell on you

The Addams Family theme

The Exorcist theme

Black Magic Woman

The Psyco Theme

Halloween Hootenanny

The Monster Mash

Bad Moon Rising

Ghostbusters

Superstition

Thriller

I think it's awesome. I made a copy for Chris entitled "The Official Chris and Ashley Love Halloween mix" Because we do.

Movies to Watch

The Exorcist

Poltergist

American Warewolf in London

The Thing

Halloween

Psyco

Shawn of the Dead?

Ugh I love Halloween. It's the kick off to the Holiday season. Ooohh Can't Wait!

Funks

Sometimes you just have these moments where you want to scream all of your insecurities and uncertainties and make everything better just by having it out there.

1. Parents. Try as they might they really aren't helping achieve any of my goals or dreams. I'm kind of just taking up space in their house. Literally. I don't even eat here half the time. They aren't going to help me with tuition or anything else if I'm not doing what they want me to. Which is their manipulative way of getting me to do what they want me to. Which works... because I don't feel like fighting them and risking losing the help I am getting.

2. School. Because I am not getting help with school I have no options. I can't go to SCAD. It's not even an option anymore. There was no point in even applying. My options are to go to ACC until I can't take any more possible credits and THEN my parents MIGHT assist me if they approve of the school I want to go to. AKA Texas State. Which don't get me wrong is a great school... but I'm an art student. I want to be in an environment where I can actually be inspired by something besides stupid frat boy bro parties and over tanned bleach blonde bimbos. I want to do something thats of substance and makes a difference.

3. Random. I don't understand what part of me is so unbareable. I dont get why some of our friends were allowed to go through hard times and cry and be unreasonable... but when I did it, it was all my fault and it was "You'll be fine" with a pat on the back. I KNOW I'll be fine. I've gone through plenty in my life and I know I'll be fine... I want answers for why my life has to be so damn difficult. Why must I reap the benefits of my mistakes for so long? Why didn't someone slap me in the face when I was dumping Sam? Why didn't anyone scream at me when I was throwing my intense pity party last spring? Why didn't someone mention to me sooner that college wasn't an option for me?

Most of those question can be answered with a "Well Sherm, why can't you take care of yourself?"
And Honestly? I don't know. I've made mistakes and now things have really changed for me. I have a really different life now. But I guess it's the acceptance and letting go I'm having the hardest time with. Guilt and Regret are tricky.

I hope I can find what I want and maybe in 10 years this will all be water under the bridge and I'll be a stronger person for it.

All my exes live in Texas... I think?

What is it about past loves that makes us think backward so often? I have found myself recently talking frequently about one of mine. Is it because I miss him? Am I so angry with him it just comes out in recollections of past times? I think it's because I'm trying to figure it all out and make sense of our waste of energy relationship. I spent so long not being honest with myself that I think I want to validate what happened. Which I can't because I didn't make any sense in the actions I made because I WAS lying to myself and trying to create this fantastical fairy tale I could live in. I'm a dreamer with too many ideas and I think I get stuck inside my head too often. It's not a good place to be when you should be logical. 

Relationships, although driven my emotion and heart, take a lot more logic than we give them credit for. I think its the logic in the equation that causes the relationship to be more mature. You don't say I Love You on the third date like you did when you were 15 simply because it isn't logical to feel that way. You set boundaries and rules to protect yourself because they make sense. We're supposed to be older and wiser and yet somehow I know so many girls about my age that are just throwing their hearts away to men who don't MAKE SENSE.

Logic is one of those things that can just get lost when we become selfish. I want this... I want you... And before you know it all your moneys spent and he's run off with his coworker.

Maybe I have a hint of bitterness because of the illogical decisions I have made and the way I felt because of them. Everyone has situations they have to move on from and my hardest ones happen to include my heart getting broken... or just confused?

Tattoo

So I never thought I would actually have a tattoo. I wanted one. I live in Austin. It's required to have a tattoo, wear boho clothes, and recycle. And sometimes to have a vespa. So after many hours of watching Miami Ink, designing wishful art with friends, and finally making a pact with Renee, I got my tattoo. It's my own art. I drew the design and its an actual photocopy of it thats on my body. The meaning is pretty important to me.




This is the drawing I did about a week ago. Its not exactly a DaVinci sketch but hey, It's mine. Well on Tuesday evening I got in a car with Renee and Kathy and we drove to the same place that I got my nose pierced. My artist reminded me of the guy who played the huge black guy in The Green Mile. He was pretty cool. Except I thought he kinda disregarded me and my art as if it was just like millions of others he's done. Which, considering he has done "Probably Thousands" of tattoos, I don't blame him. I was in a tiny room where only one person was allowed. Renee held my hand right before I got my tattoo done but I was so curious about what the artist was doing I let go. Let me tell you... there is no way to prepare you for how much it hurts. It took less than an hour but I still teared up a little and I held my breath A LOT. I will never understand people who have a million of these things. I decided this was my ONLY one. I couldn't do it again.

So I'm not the kind of girl who's gonna take ten million pictures of herself and her new tattoo and be a showoff. Cause A) I'm pretty self concious and B) I'd rather tell the story behind it than be vain.

The Anchor- My life hasn't been a picnic. No one's is. But my family deals with a lot of depression issues and my anchor is my reminder to myself to stay happy. To 'anchor' myself in things that keep me in a good mood, to hold on to things that matter to me and to set sail and those things that don't. My mom once told me "You don't need an anchor to hold you down, but a ship to sail upon your dreams with." Now being that I was about 8 when she said this I may have romanticized it. But hey... it's a resonating theme for me.

The Treble Clef- Now a million people have music notes or lyrics on their bodies. I saw a girl recently who had a casette tape on her back and the tape spelled out "To get me through". Music inspires and is an outlet for many people. My life certainly has it's soundtrack. I can pinpoint certain songs to certain people or events. I can even do this with albums. I can't listen to Maroon 5 without thinking about Darin Moore. Nelly Furtado's Loose album ALWAYS reminds me of Margaret. I to this day clean my room to a mix of music inspired by my mom. Music is a huge part of my life and I wanted a piece of it on my body.

The Moon- As a girl with two naval grandfathers the moon is a pretty interesting symbol. The cresent moon on your uniform signified that you were a cook. Because of my family's connection with food and our need to gather around the table, I thought it was appropriate.

So yes. That's my tattoo and I love it.

Sultan

Seeing as how music rocks louder than just words...
I leave you with these lyrics by What Made Milwakee Famous
Happy Birthday Other Ashley

I've had less than my fair share of lucky breaks
And enough of this fooling around
I've got one last chance to get rid of my past
And bury it deep in the ground
And no matter what you try man
You're never gonna tear me down
When the only blame you cast is your own
And your only guarantee is your fear of the unknown
If you don't cut your losses before you get lost
They're never going to leave you alone
My best bits of advice I'll repeat only twice
After that you can fend for yourself
If you think that your shoes couldn't find better use
About just about anyone else
You need to face up and fold
Or deal with the hand you're dealt
Make up your mind Are you in are you out
I've no patience for your impetuous doubt
When the only blame you cast is your own
And your only guarantee is your fear of the unknown
If you don't cut your losses before you get lost
They're never going to leave you alone
NoI've had less than my fair share of lucky breaks
And enough of this fooling around
I've got one last chance to get rid of my past
And bury it deep in the ground
Make up your mind
Are you in are you out
You'd be better served as a face in the crowd
You never want the truth to be told
And all your major concerns are out of your control
If you don't pick your feet up to come back around
You get stuck in my way you [???]
When the only blame you cast is your own
And your only guarantee is your fear of the unknown
If you don't cut your losses before you get lost
They're never going to leave you alone
Leave you alone

Guilt

My literature class requires us to break down what we read based on the "elements of fiction". You remember them. Tone, Theme, Character, Setting. Well anyway we were discussing the story by Truman Capote Dazzle. In the story the main character is so torn with guilt that he ends up cutting out his grandmother permantly and doesn't even attend her funeral. After discussing the story my professor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes a moment, and says "Guilt can cause you to do a lot of things, it can even cause you to cut out those in your life you love most for fear you might hurt them again."
That is how I feel about my friends. I don't call or leave them messages because of guilt. Because of my own actions that I know they disapproved of. How do you explain to your friend "I was stupid and I know I hurt you, but I can't do anything about it" That doesn't offer a resolution and certainly doesn't make them feel any better. The sorrys in my life were often empty. And although I am sorry for many of my actions, I don't believe in saying sorry to make yourself feel better. Sorry is something you say when you geniuinely want to take your actions back.
And I am.
But seriously, life cannot be lived without mistakes. And I've learned so much in the past few months about who matters, who doesn't, and those inbetween. Those you love but don't how to reconcile. Those you admire and cherish, but have other lives. The friends you lost, but somehow a phone call to catch up repairs all the open wounds.
Renee is probably one of the best friends I have ever had. Why? Because dispite time, disagreement, fights, loves, and changes, all we need is a phone call and were right back where we belong. As Friends. Funny. I was telling mychris that I had intrusted Renee with helping me find a tattoo parlor in San Antonio and I said "You know, I trust her with my life."
And I would. Maybe not if we were really wasted... but of course I would be having such a good time I wouldn't care.
Friends are funny characters. But what would we do without them?

The L word.

Most single folks in the world are searching for someone to share their life with. Some of us are naturally selfless and just want to take care of someone. Others are selfish and want someone to take care of them. Either way we don't want to be alone. There are a few rarities that are misers and spinsters that shoot pool with the grinch. But I have found that I, Ashley-Renee Shearman, is in love with love. I want everyone to indulge themselves in someone near to them. Someone who takes their breath away and yet gives them enough room to breathe. I believe it is our natural need to find a mate. 

Yet somewhere in our culture we lost the need to want someone forever. I was reading recently the tales of grandmas and grandpas who have been in love for 50 plus years. I work at the Olive Garden, which for some reason has a larger well aged crowd, and there are so many couples in their 60s or 70s that are still kissing at the table and pinching each others butts. Where did that go? My grandparents themselves have a wonderful love story. They met when my grandfather was in a coma. My grandma was the nurse assigned to him. When he awoke the first thing he asked was "Where's Shirley?" Five kids, almost twenty grandkids, and three great grandchildren later they are still madly in love. 

Why are relationships so hard for us? What is it that causes us to be so dismissive of the people around us? I myself have said "I need to focus on school and I can't have any distractions." But honestly, I think that facebook is more distraction than my Chris is. So perhaps it is an excuse for fear. While in the 1940's and 50's our grandparents didn't worry about getting internships in other states, getting into a great grad school, or looking for their career before marriage. They did it all together. 

We're no longer looking for a companion and instead a label. I've had friends say that they want to be a 'Wife.' They say they want to graduate and then get married and have kids. Where do you fall in love? Where's the romance in doing what you think you're supposed to? I think we need to go back to a time where fate brought everyone together. My grandfather married my grandmother because he knew, KNEW, she was exactly what he wanted. Why would you let that go? Where are you Disney movies full of hopeless romance? Where are you damn Nicolas Sparks novel with your empty promises of sweeping off feet? 

Where has the romance gone? 

Bros.

There are many things, that have plenty of variations, that make a Bro. But the best way to describe them is such.

1. Male College or University student
2. Most likely in a organized group or fraternity
3. Wears one or all of the following. Backward cap, collared button up shirt with sleeves rolled up, shorts, loafers, probably some form of neon (if you go to UT)
4. Has a horrible view of women.
5. He will not have his own personality. If you take him and three or four others around him, they all have the same interests in factors such as film, TV, music, girls, activities, and possibly have the same speech.
6. He parties every weekend all weekend and starts on Thursday. But pshh I do this too!
7. Probably majoring in something mundane. Bros are never usually engineering or business majors. Look for Physical Education, Kinesology, any backward form of getting to be involved in the sports they can no longer play because they're still stuck in high school.

Now I know several guys that could fit into this category but are still decent people. Awesome. Maybe after college they'll grow enough confidence to be original.

But hey, I'm just an Art student. It's not like MY opinion matters. :)

New.

So I have had many outlets for thinking. Some have been through drawing or dance, singing or theater. But since I am at a crossroads for what I am doing with my life, I have chosen writing as my way to dump all of my emotions. Or maybe sometimes I'll do some creative writing. It's whatever comes off the keyboard.

But here's my story:
A year ago I had the plan to apply to the Savanna College of Art and Design. I was going be a graphic designer and major in Advertising Design. I wanted to change the world through advertising. Did anyone else notice how many product(red) shirts were floating around a year back? Americans feed off of materialism and this company marketed it the right way to actually do some positive good. Ever since I was little I fed off of Captian Planet and recycling and change. I'm a liberal who wants to change the world around me. Well it turns out that yes, I did get into SCAD. I found a dorm and a move out date.
But I never found financial aid.
So here I am in Austin, Texas waiting for an absolution. Am I going to go to a good school? Am I stuck at ACC for eternity? No. I learned in my tumultuous start to my summer that I control everything in my life. But I am deciding. My parents would prefer I not move across the country. Or the state. So my options lie in the multitude of colleges on my door step. UT, Texas State, St. Edwards, Southwestern, AI Austin. Goodness. Maybe I'll apply to all of them. The romantic in me still wishes I could go to SCAD. The historic buildings, the artisitic atmosphere, the lack of bros... Bros are for another day. I loathe them. The term was stolen from my Chris. To be P.C. Chris is my boyfriend, but I prefer just to call him my Chris.
So for now I'm using this semester to figure it out. What do I want to major in? Advertising Design was really specialized to SCAD. But maybe advertising wasn't my future? Perhaps it could be English or Education?
At the end of the day I just want to make a difference, and change people.

WOO OBAMA!