Guilt

My literature class requires us to break down what we read based on the "elements of fiction". You remember them. Tone, Theme, Character, Setting. Well anyway we were discussing the story by Truman Capote Dazzle. In the story the main character is so torn with guilt that he ends up cutting out his grandmother permantly and doesn't even attend her funeral. After discussing the story my professor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes a moment, and says "Guilt can cause you to do a lot of things, it can even cause you to cut out those in your life you love most for fear you might hurt them again."
That is how I feel about my friends. I don't call or leave them messages because of guilt. Because of my own actions that I know they disapproved of. How do you explain to your friend "I was stupid and I know I hurt you, but I can't do anything about it" That doesn't offer a resolution and certainly doesn't make them feel any better. The sorrys in my life were often empty. And although I am sorry for many of my actions, I don't believe in saying sorry to make yourself feel better. Sorry is something you say when you geniuinely want to take your actions back.
And I am.
But seriously, life cannot be lived without mistakes. And I've learned so much in the past few months about who matters, who doesn't, and those inbetween. Those you love but don't how to reconcile. Those you admire and cherish, but have other lives. The friends you lost, but somehow a phone call to catch up repairs all the open wounds.
Renee is probably one of the best friends I have ever had. Why? Because dispite time, disagreement, fights, loves, and changes, all we need is a phone call and were right back where we belong. As Friends. Funny. I was telling mychris that I had intrusted Renee with helping me find a tattoo parlor in San Antonio and I said "You know, I trust her with my life."
And I would. Maybe not if we were really wasted... but of course I would be having such a good time I wouldn't care.
Friends are funny characters. But what would we do without them?