Funks

Sometimes you just have these moments where you want to scream all of your insecurities and uncertainties and make everything better just by having it out there.

1. Parents. Try as they might they really aren't helping achieve any of my goals or dreams. I'm kind of just taking up space in their house. Literally. I don't even eat here half the time. They aren't going to help me with tuition or anything else if I'm not doing what they want me to. Which is their manipulative way of getting me to do what they want me to. Which works... because I don't feel like fighting them and risking losing the help I am getting.

2. School. Because I am not getting help with school I have no options. I can't go to SCAD. It's not even an option anymore. There was no point in even applying. My options are to go to ACC until I can't take any more possible credits and THEN my parents MIGHT assist me if they approve of the school I want to go to. AKA Texas State. Which don't get me wrong is a great school... but I'm an art student. I want to be in an environment where I can actually be inspired by something besides stupid frat boy bro parties and over tanned bleach blonde bimbos. I want to do something thats of substance and makes a difference.

3. Random. I don't understand what part of me is so unbareable. I dont get why some of our friends were allowed to go through hard times and cry and be unreasonable... but when I did it, it was all my fault and it was "You'll be fine" with a pat on the back. I KNOW I'll be fine. I've gone through plenty in my life and I know I'll be fine... I want answers for why my life has to be so damn difficult. Why must I reap the benefits of my mistakes for so long? Why didn't someone slap me in the face when I was dumping Sam? Why didn't anyone scream at me when I was throwing my intense pity party last spring? Why didn't someone mention to me sooner that college wasn't an option for me?

Most of those question can be answered with a "Well Sherm, why can't you take care of yourself?"
And Honestly? I don't know. I've made mistakes and now things have really changed for me. I have a really different life now. But I guess it's the acceptance and letting go I'm having the hardest time with. Guilt and Regret are tricky.

I hope I can find what I want and maybe in 10 years this will all be water under the bridge and I'll be a stronger person for it.