Photography

When I originally made this blog, I had assumed that I would be taking A LOT more photographs and writing a lot more about my life on a regular basis. So I'm here to announce, I made a photobucket for my photography portfolio! Whoo!

http://s764.photobucket.com/home/Ashley-Renee_Shearman/index

In other news, I begin working for Scarborough Elementary in their after school care program next week! I am so excited. I can't wait to meet all of my students and become a part of their lives. Short update, but hopefully things will start to get better and it will be easier to sound positive. I don't want to rant or have any negativity on here, and its certainly been circling. I can't wait to have more good things happen.

Nanny Life

Five summers ago I went home crying every day my first week of work. I wasn't sure if kids were my calling. I couldn't figure out why Debbie hired me. Five summers later, I'm crying at 8am because I don't know what I will do without these little hearts telling me "Good Night Ashwee".

Nanny Observations.

So there are many women I encounter as a nanny that I am in awe of. Single moms, women with several children, women who have overcome obstacles that show me that in the future I will be capable of the role of mother, wife, and matriarch.

There is mom 1. Neighbor who's husband left her with nothing. Well actually, with two children and a whole life to reorganize. Her story made me analyze how people fall out of love. The internal turmoil that a man must struggle with to pack in the middle of the night and be gone the next morning. I hope I never force a man to leave me like that. However, she is magnificently optimistic and full of energy. She has a beautiful home and her 16 year old has a brand new civic in the drive way. Win single mom.

Mom 2. Family friend who lost her mom to suicide as a young adult. I can't imagine my life without my mother, and the struggle she must have had to raise babies, plan Thanksgiving and Christmas without her matriarch to guide her through diaper changes and gravy recipes. I hope someday I am strong enough to be without my mother, but I pray it isn't before she kisses my newborn children and spoils them rotten. Or perhaps before she teaches me how to make her to die for apple pie.

I think about my current role as a college student and the labels it comes with. I am nanny, sister, daughter, friend, comedian, lover, dancer, and photographer.

These labels make me who I am currently but someday my roles in my career and relationships will mold me to be someone else. I have to realize that my feeling of stagnation with waiting to move is a misunderstanding, and I am actually forever molding.

The universe conspires!

LORDY!

I have had so much going on, but despite how large my stress level SHOULD be, I feel awesome. I sprained my ankle really bad about a week ago, I'm finally off crutches and should be perfect in a week. I'm hoping its well enough when I move to start dancing again.

I went to Victoria for a week to visit with my roomie and awesomely good friend Bonnie. I had a blast, learned a few hangover remedies, and met some really awesome people.

Nicole leaves tomorrow for her job in Victoria, I can't wait to go back and visit her. I'm sure she will love her job and fit in great!

I feel really awesome about life. I was so nervous because I decided to take a semester off, but now I think I'm going to enjoy the break from the stress. UTSA in the spring!

Stress... So... High...
Jesus.


For School I need:
(2)Transcripts from ACC and State
(x) Fafsa
(x) application

For work I need
(1000000) applications
(1000000) Copies of my updated resume
(x) Update Resume

Moving I need
( ) Cleaning
( ) Packing
( ) Moving Junk on July 25th to San Antonio
( ) Moving important things on August 20th
(100000) boxes

Emotionally I need
(10 or so) Pints of ice cream, will settle for blizzards.
(6) hours to watch Star wars, seriously though.
(1) man who will watch Star Wars/No Reservations with me.
(1) Vacation from stress.

WHAT UPPPPP

Alright! Officially moving to San Antonio.
Kinda scared, kind of excited.
HEY listen to my friends DEMO

http://nicolebueno.bandcamp.com/album/spaceblazer

Also- I'm making a video of all of my favorite memories with Cam and Brandon since I'm moving. SHOULD BE CUTE.

Optimism

So yesterday I was feeling pretty pessimistic about how things had been going lately. Right now I'm feeling better about everything. I had a good conversation with my mom about school and my housing situation for the fall.

Its amazing what a good nights sleep and some coffee will do.

PLAN OF ATTACK (San Antonio)
Take a semester to up my GPA and retake the classes I made D's in.
Reapply to UTSA for the spring.
Go to UTSA and finish my degree.
Apply with Carnival Cruise lines and work in their camp program for a year.

PLAN OF ATTACK (Austin)
Take a semester to up my GPA and retake classes I made D's in.
Reapply to St.Edwards for the spring
Go to St.Edwards and finish my degree.
Apply with various school districts in the Austin/San Antonio area.


WHILE working on my professional life I will:
Quit dating boys for the sake of dating and start saving myself for someone REALLY worth it.
Start investing myself in things that really matter.
Dance, learn guitar, swim, write, and photograph EVERYTHING.
Save money! (1,000 by Christmas!)

I want a puppy too, but that will be for after I'm done with school. Until then I have Jet!

Medium Raw

So I'm reading Anthony Bourdain's book/memoir/cautionary tale Medium Raw. I am a firm believer in foul language, bad choices, and living life to its fullest. His book was making me want to write. Especially with his conversational form of writing I noticed myself having conversations with myself inside my head.

Right now I have no idea where my life will be in a month. I'm at such a crossroads and I can't figure out what to do. Can't live on my own, can't move home. I'm in life limbo with the Swank's looking forward to a consistent paycheck and being out of debt. At 22 I'm single and kind of dissatisfied with the terrible choices I've made in the past. I was never a drug user or an alcoholic. The one thing I abused was my bank account and maybe my love for entertaining. I have tattoos, both have a story and purpose. I have a nose ring, something rather insignificant in my world of musicians and artists. I'm not particularly careless... except with my loud mouth and need to say things that don't need to be said. I use boys as an excuse to be heartbroken, although every guy I break up with ends up with someone more well rounded and less crazy than me.

I need a purpose and stability. I'm a thinker and a creative soul, but I'm out of ideas at this point. I'm one phone call away from either moving in with mom or dad... Austin or San Antonio...

I need some guidance. Some parenting I missed out on...

I guess I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me that I haven't found a certain level of contentment yet. Maybe I'm over analyzing- AGAIN!
Maybe I'll feel better after the phone call.

Anthony Bourdain!

HEYYY So I got to see one of my favorite celebrities!
ANTHONY BOURDAIN!
It was AMAZING.

He was so funny!!! Favorite Quotes:
"If you're traveling... Make sure you wear appropriate clothing and... accept liquor from the locals"
"AND THEN THEY F*ing SHOT HIM!" (talking about old yeller)
THE ENTIRE RANT ON ORGANIC FOOD. LOVED IT!
"Maybe they should teach little Timmy how to read so he can be intelligent enough to get a good job so he can AFFORD organic food!" YESSSS

Unfortunately I threw up.
All over the grounds outside of Book People.
It was unnecessary - Seriously body?
So I didn't get an autograph :(...

But here's a photo!

LAUGH

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
-Dr. Seuss

Austin again!

So I'm drinking a glass of wine, watching T.V. and procrastinating on packing...

I'm moving back to Austin, a decision that was really hard for me to make. I had a really rough semester full of so many mistakes. I can't believe how hard it was for me to get through what I did. I wish I could go back in time and do things a little differently, but in reality all I can do is move forward with my life toward something more positive. I never realized how many things went on around life besides just going to school and working. I should havestarted saving money sooner and worked on my 'adult' life. Hopefully in the next two years before I graduate I can get myself together and work on the rest of my future.

I never realized until a few weeks ago how unprepared I am for things like owning a home and having a family. I'm 22, have had a handful of failed relationships, and have ruined my credit. I can't keep living like I'm never going to grow up. It's time to get serious.
Alright... Here it goes.

Ayeeeeee

"You know you're gonna end up with him eventually right?"
"I hope so, if only crack heads could read futures..."

In order to explain this quotes relevance we have to go back about a year...
I went to a party where this 6"3' fellow was playing DJ and chose Matt and Kim's Daylight. I immediately liked the song... and I immediately liked the fellow. Well, after many a mix CD, a few nights of movies like 500 days of summer and Nick and Norah's infinite play list- I fell in love. One day in the back of a friend's truck this guy tripping out on something, probably acid, informed us we were 'fated in the stars to be together'. Something about those blue eyes and the fact that he likes indie electronica and will still two step with my country friends from work... Its undeniable. Unfortunately he's moving to San Antonio...

And I'm moving back to Austin.

I'm hoping life brings us back together. He's not just a boy I dated. He's my best friend... More than anything I'm going to miss his accessibility...
Life is bitter sweet like mayan dark chocolate...

Update on the kids I promised

So this week was a learning experience for sure! I am having to adjust from being a caregiver, to a care enabler. I am figuring out how to make the boys be more self reliant and independent. IT IS SO HARD! Ugh I cannot tell you how much of an adjustment it is mentally!!! When I first started with my boys it was all about helping, cleaning and entertaining... Now, I play, encourage, and motivate!
(Its actually pretty easy when I say it that way!)
BUT when I catch myself doing a dish for them, or babying a battle scar... I have to pull a Homer Simpson and say D'OH!- That's not it!
C's line is "Der Dah Derrrrr"

In other news B is working on his bicycle skills. This week we worked on pushing off by ourselves and riding longer. We're on two laps around the block! Our goal by summer's end is to ride ALL THE WAY TO THE SOCCER FIELDS! (Approx. 1 mile).

C is an awesome dude. I have never felt so loved. This 10 year old openly hugs me and says "I love you". Makes my heart melt. He sees me as a mentor and a playmate. He has a GREAT sense of humor. The official hilarity of the week is the annoying orange. (seen here) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7F5nIA8xmw

In Ashley news I will be back at Montana Mike's for about 2.5 weeks... I AM SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT! But its what happens when my boys have such busy big kid summers. Wakeboarding camp, UT soccer camp, Camp Grandma. haha. So I will go and sell some steaks and put up with petty drama. (But at least I'll be back in Austin in the fall.) Maybe?

CLIFF HANGER!

Dating Quiz I took out of boredom! Update on the kids later!

1. What do you do for fun? Hike, swim, photograph, act like I'm 10.
2.Tell me three words your friends would use to describe you. Tall, fun, indecisive.
3.What kind of movies do you like? What is your favorite movie? I like everything BUT movies like Saw or Wolf Creek. -My favorite movie, three way tie of Star Wars:Return of the Jedi, Pretty Woman, and Moulin Rouge.
4. What kind of books and/or magazines do you like? What is the last book or magazine you read? The last book I read was The Giver for my children's literature course. I'll read anything that makes me think, or is slightly nerdy. I love Chuck Palahnuik books. (I have no idea how to say/spell his last name)
5. If you won the lottery, how would you spend it? I would get myself out of debt, buy a house, a Shetland sheepdog and name it Purdy (yes from 101 Dalmations), buy an orange boat, and then waste my days on a lake somewhere. (With my new dog of course)
6. What kind of music do you listen to? Do you have a favorite musician or band? I LOVE indie rock. My favs right now are Modest Mouse, Minus the Bear, &Friendly Fires (very nicole bueno inspired <3 )
7. What are the most important qualities you are looking for in a friend or significant other? I'm really unpredictable- so patience, forgiveness, humor, and faithfulness.
8. What would you cook if you were having friends or family over for dinner? Stuffed bell peppers with spanish rice, borracho beans and a corn salad. (Watermelon for dessert!)
9. Which is your favorite season and why? SUMMER. I'm a sun goddess.
10.Do you like to travel and where have you been? LOVE IT! I've been to Missouri, New Mexico, Arizona, Boston, Florida and thanks to my WONDERFUL family The Bahamas and Puerto Rico.
11. What place would you like to visit that you haven't been to yet? Europe. I really want to go to France and Turkey. I WOULD LOVE to see Hagia Sophia in person. (Future husband- Propose to me there)
12. What is your most prized possession? I have two. My Mac and My Canon Rebel.
13. Would you consider yourself a morning person or a night person and why? Depends. I love mornings when I have coffee and a cool breeze, but man I love to have a good time and get home at 4am.
14. How would you describe a perfect date? Lots of good conversation and LAUGHTER!
15. Do you have any pets? What kind of pets? I claim my cousin's schnauzer Jet as my boyfriend... does that count?
16. What are you most passionate about? Expression and Love.
17. If you could do any job you wanted to, what would it be? Anything where I make a noticeable difference in the world around me.
18. Who do you most admire and why? The women in my family. They're strong, independent, and loving. (My mom, grandmother & my many strong willed aunts and cousins)
19. What's your idea of a great vacation? WATER. TANNING OIL. MARGARITA. DONE.
20. If you could live anywhere other than here, where would it be and why? Here is Austin, Texas... and Its the ONLY place for me :) (minus some short stints in Europe/New Zealand.)
21. What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you? LIFE
22. What hobbies do you have? Anything involving a lake, photography, being a music snob, playing with my kiddos, rollin' with the homies.
23. Which of your achievements are you most proud? Getting into SCAD, my first job as a graphic artist, buying my first car (RIP pinata), having my photography in an art show.
24. What do you think is the most important value in a relationship or friendship? Honesty.
25. What holiday do you enjoy the most and how do you celebrate it? Christmas. And I eat ridiculous amounts of DELICIOUS food for like two weeks.
It is human nature to celebrate life by eating- God made me skinny for a reason :)

First week!

Alright this week was INSANE.

It started off by finishing all of my birthday celebrations from the week before. I just turned 22! Sunday I was at the lake in Marble Falls and Monday I went to my mom's house where she always makes me these AMAZING MOJITOS! (Hemmingway Style! google it!) Anyway it was good fun to just be with Mom and Mach for a day.

Tuesday- I traversed from San Antonio to Austin, moved the rest of my belongings in, and spent my first afternoon with C and B. (My boys I nanny!) The REAL adventure was what occurred AFTER work.

My good friend from my serving job in New Braunfels was celebrating her 22nd birthday in San Antonio. I drove to her house where I hitched a ride with my good friend Jess and took off to San Antonio to dance at The Saint. (A gay club off of San Pedro). We had a good time, some random people bought me a shot, but 2am rolled along and we decided to go home. HOWEVER- We did NOT make it home as quickly as suspected. After traveling through San Antonio we get to the edge of New Braunfels and came to a DEAD STOP. Turned out there was an accident of some sort. We managed to weave through traffic, did a little illegal off roading, and were stuck once again in front of this GHETTO truck stop. I used the rest room barefoot, unsuccessfully bought some skittles (THEY GOT STUCK! stupid machine) and slept. (off and on). Jess managed to sweet talk some truckers and we escaped close to 6am. We didn't make it home right away, we had to weave through some neighborhoods close to my cousin Michael's house and then ended up off of FM1103. I finally made it back to Austin at 8:15 am.

YIKES. I grounded myself from going out ANYTIME soon.

So I haven't gone out again, and other than accidentally sunburning my poor boys and being stressed about making money, I think life is pretty fantastic. <3

Austin

So I'm back in Austin. I moved back expecting things to be just like they were last summer, but they aren't. Change is inevitable. I've had a lot of negative going on, and I want so much for more positive to come my direction. I want to be a smiling light in people's lives instead of a negative nancy or drama queen. I felt like cutting out everyone would help me start over. To cut out those who have brought negative energy and emotions.
I want to dance again.
I want to draw.
I want to sing in my car, driving down 360, crying because I love my life.

I do love my life but I've realized I really miss being in love. I have loved because the men in my life are truly amazing people, irreplaceable and always humorous. Yet there was a ghost in my past who made a casual appearance... and it tore open old wounds. I'm in love with a ghost. I'm in love with the idea of what we had together, fated souls and wishes of forever.

I've just turned 22 and I've noticed I want something different for myself than what I've been doing. Going out often and drinking too much. Rumors and drama, roommates, friends, and coworkers as victims. I want a positive world again. One of art and dance, music and tie dye. One of a full savings account and achievable goals. Perhaps a man to make a future with. Someone who will help me choose a dog for my graduation and help me be an adult.

I want an adult life, not one of parties and flings, mistakes and rendez-vous. I need consistency, love, accountability and perserverence.

Here goes everything- Goodbye adolescence.

YAY!

IM CHANGIN MY MAJOR AGAIN!!!!
Art teacher AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

OK OK OK!

So in these past few weeks I have made a lot of realizations about myself. I have been transitioning from a past life that I loved. Austin represented a lot of creativity and fun and growth for me. Now that I'm in San Marcos, working heavily on my degree, I can start to feel myself transitioning from adolescent to young adult.
No, I'm no where near the end of my degree, but I have found that it is not through milestones that you find maturity and your path through life. It is instead through your own profound epiphanies that you move forward and create yourself. I know so many of my friends beginning to graduate and work on their own personal lives, and have began to notice they're not leaving me behind, but I'm moving with them. While some of my colleagues have a piece of paper, I have independence, I have self confidence, I have responsibility, I have love. I'm ready to slow down, and start enjoying focusing on the future.
After my bad summer (I like to call it this because it wasn't one single event, but a group of them that broke me down) I started doing a lot of self analyzing. What am I feeling, Why am I feeling this, and How do I change it? But recently I have started looking outward, how is THAT person effected by me? What change and good am I evoking? My only goal as a young child was to change the world around me. I think I'm getting closer to that.

I'm in love with a man who loves me not because of what I offer, but because I changed him. I recently tried to end our relationship because I was scared. I was scared of falling in love so hard again. I'm always afraid another Sam. So late at night on the phone, he cried to me that if it wasn't for me, he didn't know where he'd be today. I had saved him.
I sat outside my grandmother's grave recently and told her, "You just missed him, but I think this is the one. But don't tell anyone okay?"

Positive Change is what Makes Me Happiest.