Recession

So it's not hard to quit buying in excess and supporting the American affluent lifestyle. I have found that vowing not to eat fast food daily and refusing to shop at Target are easy starts. I recently read an article where the writer asked rappers to quit wearing bling and start conserving like the rest of the American public. My family has put a hold on renovations, I have decided not to repair my car. But what has the government asked of us? Nothing. Do they ask us to take the bus? No. Do they want us to buy organic so we don't have growth hormones from the cheap meat in the McDonalds we eat? No. When 9-11 happened they asked us to go shopping. 

It's what we do best!

Well I voted for Obama the other day. 

I hope he asks more of Americans than our past presidents have.  I know I'm willing to do more. 

But then again I'm a born Austinite. I've recycled since elementary school. I'm taking Environmental Science. I believe in sustainability. 

But that's just me.  How will you change the world?

Goals

This semester has been quite the journey for me. Well I guess it started toward the end of summer right before classes started. I'm still disappointed I'm not going to SCAD. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to get the future I wanted. I can still go to France. I can still study whatever I desire. I'm thinking about going to AI Austin. I'm not sure yet. They seemed kind of pretentious. But what university doesn't come off that way? 

I think that the best things I can do right now are focus on what I'm doing right now. I've always had my head into the future and not doing anything in the present to make that future happen. So I will strive for present happiness, with goals in mind. 

Personal Goals,

Get accepted to and attend a good university that will inspire and offer me what I need

Go to France for 1 year

Buy a historical home to restore

Adopt a dog

Get Organized and stay that way

Save for Repairs on my Car to eventually trade in for a blue green Celica

Receive a profession where I can inspire and create

Save the World.

By the way I voted. In hopes of change and a positive future for my future family. I had a conversation recently where I heard that the only two parts of life were survival and reproduction. I must say that I believe the point of life is to live it, drama filled and happiness fulfilling. 

Now I'm off to carve pumpkins with my two favorite boys. 

They happen to be 5 and 8.

Spirited!

So in the Halloween spirit, I have gone CRAZY!

Included in my festivities are pumpkin carving, watching scary movies, making playlists of great Halloween music and painting my toes orange. (one has a pumpkin shhh)

Playlist is as follows

I put a spell on you

The Addams Family theme

The Exorcist theme

Black Magic Woman

The Psyco Theme

Halloween Hootenanny

The Monster Mash

Bad Moon Rising

Ghostbusters

Superstition

Thriller

I think it's awesome. I made a copy for Chris entitled "The Official Chris and Ashley Love Halloween mix" Because we do.

Movies to Watch

The Exorcist

Poltergist

American Warewolf in London

The Thing

Halloween

Psyco

Shawn of the Dead?

Ugh I love Halloween. It's the kick off to the Holiday season. Ooohh Can't Wait!

Funks

Sometimes you just have these moments where you want to scream all of your insecurities and uncertainties and make everything better just by having it out there.

1. Parents. Try as they might they really aren't helping achieve any of my goals or dreams. I'm kind of just taking up space in their house. Literally. I don't even eat here half the time. They aren't going to help me with tuition or anything else if I'm not doing what they want me to. Which is their manipulative way of getting me to do what they want me to. Which works... because I don't feel like fighting them and risking losing the help I am getting.

2. School. Because I am not getting help with school I have no options. I can't go to SCAD. It's not even an option anymore. There was no point in even applying. My options are to go to ACC until I can't take any more possible credits and THEN my parents MIGHT assist me if they approve of the school I want to go to. AKA Texas State. Which don't get me wrong is a great school... but I'm an art student. I want to be in an environment where I can actually be inspired by something besides stupid frat boy bro parties and over tanned bleach blonde bimbos. I want to do something thats of substance and makes a difference.

3. Random. I don't understand what part of me is so unbareable. I dont get why some of our friends were allowed to go through hard times and cry and be unreasonable... but when I did it, it was all my fault and it was "You'll be fine" with a pat on the back. I KNOW I'll be fine. I've gone through plenty in my life and I know I'll be fine... I want answers for why my life has to be so damn difficult. Why must I reap the benefits of my mistakes for so long? Why didn't someone slap me in the face when I was dumping Sam? Why didn't anyone scream at me when I was throwing my intense pity party last spring? Why didn't someone mention to me sooner that college wasn't an option for me?

Most of those question can be answered with a "Well Sherm, why can't you take care of yourself?"
And Honestly? I don't know. I've made mistakes and now things have really changed for me. I have a really different life now. But I guess it's the acceptance and letting go I'm having the hardest time with. Guilt and Regret are tricky.

I hope I can find what I want and maybe in 10 years this will all be water under the bridge and I'll be a stronger person for it.

All my exes live in Texas... I think?

What is it about past loves that makes us think backward so often? I have found myself recently talking frequently about one of mine. Is it because I miss him? Am I so angry with him it just comes out in recollections of past times? I think it's because I'm trying to figure it all out and make sense of our waste of energy relationship. I spent so long not being honest with myself that I think I want to validate what happened. Which I can't because I didn't make any sense in the actions I made because I WAS lying to myself and trying to create this fantastical fairy tale I could live in. I'm a dreamer with too many ideas and I think I get stuck inside my head too often. It's not a good place to be when you should be logical. 

Relationships, although driven my emotion and heart, take a lot more logic than we give them credit for. I think its the logic in the equation that causes the relationship to be more mature. You don't say I Love You on the third date like you did when you were 15 simply because it isn't logical to feel that way. You set boundaries and rules to protect yourself because they make sense. We're supposed to be older and wiser and yet somehow I know so many girls about my age that are just throwing their hearts away to men who don't MAKE SENSE.

Logic is one of those things that can just get lost when we become selfish. I want this... I want you... And before you know it all your moneys spent and he's run off with his coworker.

Maybe I have a hint of bitterness because of the illogical decisions I have made and the way I felt because of them. Everyone has situations they have to move on from and my hardest ones happen to include my heart getting broken... or just confused?

Tattoo

So I never thought I would actually have a tattoo. I wanted one. I live in Austin. It's required to have a tattoo, wear boho clothes, and recycle. And sometimes to have a vespa. So after many hours of watching Miami Ink, designing wishful art with friends, and finally making a pact with Renee, I got my tattoo. It's my own art. I drew the design and its an actual photocopy of it thats on my body. The meaning is pretty important to me.




This is the drawing I did about a week ago. Its not exactly a DaVinci sketch but hey, It's mine. Well on Tuesday evening I got in a car with Renee and Kathy and we drove to the same place that I got my nose pierced. My artist reminded me of the guy who played the huge black guy in The Green Mile. He was pretty cool. Except I thought he kinda disregarded me and my art as if it was just like millions of others he's done. Which, considering he has done "Probably Thousands" of tattoos, I don't blame him. I was in a tiny room where only one person was allowed. Renee held my hand right before I got my tattoo done but I was so curious about what the artist was doing I let go. Let me tell you... there is no way to prepare you for how much it hurts. It took less than an hour but I still teared up a little and I held my breath A LOT. I will never understand people who have a million of these things. I decided this was my ONLY one. I couldn't do it again.

So I'm not the kind of girl who's gonna take ten million pictures of herself and her new tattoo and be a showoff. Cause A) I'm pretty self concious and B) I'd rather tell the story behind it than be vain.

The Anchor- My life hasn't been a picnic. No one's is. But my family deals with a lot of depression issues and my anchor is my reminder to myself to stay happy. To 'anchor' myself in things that keep me in a good mood, to hold on to things that matter to me and to set sail and those things that don't. My mom once told me "You don't need an anchor to hold you down, but a ship to sail upon your dreams with." Now being that I was about 8 when she said this I may have romanticized it. But hey... it's a resonating theme for me.

The Treble Clef- Now a million people have music notes or lyrics on their bodies. I saw a girl recently who had a casette tape on her back and the tape spelled out "To get me through". Music inspires and is an outlet for many people. My life certainly has it's soundtrack. I can pinpoint certain songs to certain people or events. I can even do this with albums. I can't listen to Maroon 5 without thinking about Darin Moore. Nelly Furtado's Loose album ALWAYS reminds me of Margaret. I to this day clean my room to a mix of music inspired by my mom. Music is a huge part of my life and I wanted a piece of it on my body.

The Moon- As a girl with two naval grandfathers the moon is a pretty interesting symbol. The cresent moon on your uniform signified that you were a cook. Because of my family's connection with food and our need to gather around the table, I thought it was appropriate.

So yes. That's my tattoo and I love it.