Five summers ago I went home crying every day my first week of work. I wasn't sure if kids were my calling. I couldn't figure out why Debbie hired me. Five summers later, I'm crying at 8am because I don't know what I will do without these little hearts telling me "Good Night Ashwee".
Friday, August 20, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Nanny Observations.
So there are many women I encounter as a nanny that I am in awe of. Single moms, women with several children, women who have overcome obstacles that show me that in the future I will be capable of the role of mother, wife, and matriarch.
There is mom 1. Neighbor who's husband left her with nothing. Well actually, with two children and a whole life to reorganize. Her story made me analyze how people fall out of love. The internal turmoil that a man must struggle with to pack in the middle of the night and be gone the next morning. I hope I never force a man to leave me like that. However, she is magnificently optimistic and full of energy. She has a beautiful home and her 16 year old has a brand new civic in the drive way. Win single mom.
Mom 2. Family friend who lost her mom to suicide as a young adult. I can't imagine my life without my mother, and the struggle she must have had to raise babies, plan Thanksgiving and Christmas without her matriarch to guide her through diaper changes and gravy recipes. I hope someday I am strong enough to be without my mother, but I pray it isn't before she kisses my newborn children and spoils them rotten. Or perhaps before she teaches me how to make her to die for apple pie.
I think about my current role as a college student and the labels it comes with. I am nanny, sister, daughter, friend, comedian, lover, dancer, and photographer.
These labels make me who I am currently but someday my roles in my career and relationships will mold me to be someone else. I have to realize that my feeling of stagnation with waiting to move is a misunderstanding, and I am actually forever molding.
There is mom 1. Neighbor who's husband left her with nothing. Well actually, with two children and a whole life to reorganize. Her story made me analyze how people fall out of love. The internal turmoil that a man must struggle with to pack in the middle of the night and be gone the next morning. I hope I never force a man to leave me like that. However, she is magnificently optimistic and full of energy. She has a beautiful home and her 16 year old has a brand new civic in the drive way. Win single mom.
Mom 2. Family friend who lost her mom to suicide as a young adult. I can't imagine my life without my mother, and the struggle she must have had to raise babies, plan Thanksgiving and Christmas without her matriarch to guide her through diaper changes and gravy recipes. I hope someday I am strong enough to be without my mother, but I pray it isn't before she kisses my newborn children and spoils them rotten. Or perhaps before she teaches me how to make her to die for apple pie.
I think about my current role as a college student and the labels it comes with. I am nanny, sister, daughter, friend, comedian, lover, dancer, and photographer.
These labels make me who I am currently but someday my roles in my career and relationships will mold me to be someone else. I have to realize that my feeling of stagnation with waiting to move is a misunderstanding, and I am actually forever molding.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The universe conspires!
LORDY!
I have had so much going on, but despite how large my stress level SHOULD be, I feel awesome. I sprained my ankle really bad about a week ago, I'm finally off crutches and should be perfect in a week. I'm hoping its well enough when I move to start dancing again.
I went to Victoria for a week to visit with my roomie and awesomely good friend Bonnie. I had a blast, learned a few hangover remedies, and met some really awesome people.
Nicole leaves tomorrow for her job in Victoria, I can't wait to go back and visit her. I'm sure she will love her job and fit in great!
I feel really awesome about life. I was so nervous because I decided to take a semester off, but now I think I'm going to enjoy the break from the stress. UTSA in the spring!
I have had so much going on, but despite how large my stress level SHOULD be, I feel awesome. I sprained my ankle really bad about a week ago, I'm finally off crutches and should be perfect in a week. I'm hoping its well enough when I move to start dancing again.
I went to Victoria for a week to visit with my roomie and awesomely good friend Bonnie. I had a blast, learned a few hangover remedies, and met some really awesome people.
Nicole leaves tomorrow for her job in Victoria, I can't wait to go back and visit her. I'm sure she will love her job and fit in great!
I feel really awesome about life. I was so nervous because I decided to take a semester off, but now I think I'm going to enjoy the break from the stress. UTSA in the spring!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Stress... So... High...
Jesus.
For School I need:
(2)Transcripts from ACC and State
(x) Fafsa
(x) application
For work I need
(1000000) applications
(1000000) Copies of my updated resume
(x) Update Resume
Moving I need
( ) Cleaning
( ) Packing
( ) Moving Junk on July 25th to San Antonio
( ) Moving important things on August 20th
(100000) boxes
Emotionally I need
(10 or so) Pints of ice cream, will settle for blizzards.
(6) hours to watch Star wars, seriously though.
(1) man who will watch Star Wars/No Reservations with me.
(1) Vacation from stress.
Jesus.
For School I need:
(2)Transcripts from ACC and State
(x) Fafsa
(x) application
For work I need
(1000000) applications
(1000000) Copies of my updated resume
(x) Update Resume
Moving I need
( ) Cleaning
( ) Packing
( ) Moving Junk on July 25th to San Antonio
( ) Moving important things on August 20th
(100000) boxes
Emotionally I need
(10 or so) Pints of ice cream, will settle for blizzards.
(6) hours to watch Star wars, seriously though.
(1) man who will watch Star Wars/No Reservations with me.
(1) Vacation from stress.
Monday, July 12, 2010
WHAT UPPPPP
Alright! Officially moving to San Antonio.
Kinda scared, kind of excited.
HEY listen to my friends DEMO
http://nicolebueno.bandcamp.com/album/spaceblazer
Also- I'm making a video of all of my favorite memories with Cam and Brandon since I'm moving. SHOULD BE CUTE.
Kinda scared, kind of excited.
HEY listen to my friends DEMO
http://nicolebueno.bandcamp.com/album/spaceblazer
Also- I'm making a video of all of my favorite memories with Cam and Brandon since I'm moving. SHOULD BE CUTE.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Optimism
So yesterday I was feeling pretty pessimistic about how things had been going lately. Right now I'm feeling better about everything. I had a good conversation with my mom about school and my housing situation for the fall.
Its amazing what a good nights sleep and some coffee will do.
PLAN OF ATTACK (San Antonio)
Take a semester to up my GPA and retake the classes I made D's in.
Reapply to UTSA for the spring.
Go to UTSA and finish my degree.
Apply with Carnival Cruise lines and work in their camp program for a year.
PLAN OF ATTACK (Austin)
Take a semester to up my GPA and retake classes I made D's in.
Reapply to St.Edwards for the spring
Go to St.Edwards and finish my degree.
Apply with various school districts in the Austin/San Antonio area.
WHILE working on my professional life I will:
Quit dating boys for the sake of dating and start saving myself for someone REALLY worth it.
Start investing myself in things that really matter.
Dance, learn guitar, swim, write, and photograph EVERYTHING.
Save money! (1,000 by Christmas!)
I want a puppy too, but that will be for after I'm done with school. Until then I have Jet!
Its amazing what a good nights sleep and some coffee will do.
PLAN OF ATTACK (San Antonio)
Take a semester to up my GPA and retake the classes I made D's in.
Reapply to UTSA for the spring.
Go to UTSA and finish my degree.
Apply with Carnival Cruise lines and work in their camp program for a year.
PLAN OF ATTACK (Austin)
Take a semester to up my GPA and retake classes I made D's in.
Reapply to St.Edwards for the spring
Go to St.Edwards and finish my degree.
Apply with various school districts in the Austin/San Antonio area.
WHILE working on my professional life I will:
Quit dating boys for the sake of dating and start saving myself for someone REALLY worth it.
Start investing myself in things that really matter.
Dance, learn guitar, swim, write, and photograph EVERYTHING.
Save money! (1,000 by Christmas!)
I want a puppy too, but that will be for after I'm done with school. Until then I have Jet!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Medium Raw
So I'm reading Anthony Bourdain's book/memoir/cautionary tale Medium Raw. I am a firm believer in foul language, bad choices, and living life to its fullest. His book was making me want to write. Especially with his conversational form of writing I noticed myself having conversations with myself inside my head.
Right now I have no idea where my life will be in a month. I'm at such a crossroads and I can't figure out what to do. Can't live on my own, can't move home. I'm in life limbo with the Swank's looking forward to a consistent paycheck and being out of debt. At 22 I'm single and kind of dissatisfied with the terrible choices I've made in the past. I was never a drug user or an alcoholic. The one thing I abused was my bank account and maybe my love for entertaining. I have tattoos, both have a story and purpose. I have a nose ring, something rather insignificant in my world of musicians and artists. I'm not particularly careless... except with my loud mouth and need to say things that don't need to be said. I use boys as an excuse to be heartbroken, although every guy I break up with ends up with someone more well rounded and less crazy than me.
I need a purpose and stability. I'm a thinker and a creative soul, but I'm out of ideas at this point. I'm one phone call away from either moving in with mom or dad... Austin or San Antonio...
I need some guidance. Some parenting I missed out on...
I guess I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me that I haven't found a certain level of contentment yet. Maybe I'm over analyzing- AGAIN!
Maybe I'll feel better after the phone call.
Right now I have no idea where my life will be in a month. I'm at such a crossroads and I can't figure out what to do. Can't live on my own, can't move home. I'm in life limbo with the Swank's looking forward to a consistent paycheck and being out of debt. At 22 I'm single and kind of dissatisfied with the terrible choices I've made in the past. I was never a drug user or an alcoholic. The one thing I abused was my bank account and maybe my love for entertaining. I have tattoos, both have a story and purpose. I have a nose ring, something rather insignificant in my world of musicians and artists. I'm not particularly careless... except with my loud mouth and need to say things that don't need to be said. I use boys as an excuse to be heartbroken, although every guy I break up with ends up with someone more well rounded and less crazy than me.
I need a purpose and stability. I'm a thinker and a creative soul, but I'm out of ideas at this point. I'm one phone call away from either moving in with mom or dad... Austin or San Antonio...
I need some guidance. Some parenting I missed out on...
I guess I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me that I haven't found a certain level of contentment yet. Maybe I'm over analyzing- AGAIN!
Maybe I'll feel better after the phone call.
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