So far...

My semester can be summed up in one Nietzsche section: As can be the start of my summer, which is bleeding into the finale of my time at ACC. (Thank goodness)

We have forsaken the land and have embarked! We have burned our bridges behind us—indeed, we have gone further and destroyed the land behind us! Now, little ship, look out! Beside you is the ocean: to be sure, it does not always roar, and at times it lies spread out like silk and gold and reveries of graciousness. But hours will come when you will realize that it is infinite and that there is nothing more awesome than infinity. Oh, the poor bird that felt free and now strikes the walls of this cage! Woe, when you feel homesick for the land as if it had offered more freedom—and there is no longer any "land"!

Racing...

I have so many worries and concerns lately,
But one of the biggest concerns I have is that I am always concerned. I have always been someone who was discontented with my current situation. Even in early elementary school I would make up stories about what was going on in my life so that I would seem more interesting. I would say I went to Disney Land, or skiing, or maybe to Europe. When in fact, I have yet to ever go to these places. But I want to turn a new leaf. I am just 4 weeks shy of being 21 and I'm tired of being upset and stressed out all the time.
Fuck the past.

In America I saw the freest and most enlightened men placed in the happiest condition that exists in the world; it seemed to me that a sort of cloud habitually covered their features; they appeared to me grace and almost sad even in their pleasures.
The principal reason for this is that the first do not think of the evils they endure, whereas the others dream constantly of the food they do not have.
It is a strange thing to see with what sort of feverish ardor Americans pursue well being and how they show themselves constantly tormented by a vague fear of not having chosen the shortest route that can lead to it.
-Tocqueville

Things I am worried about...

Okay so here is my list of things I need to handle.

Tickets- I have two and I have to pay for both by the 30th. They total 356$

School (future)- I got into both UTSA and Texas State, but one of my biggest fears is that I am settling for an education I am not passionate about. Texas State isn't that great of a school and UTSA is in not that great of a town. I am just not enthused about San Antonio.

School (now)- I am considering the fact that I am not sure about my grades and my photography courses are going to F*up my gpa. Do I drop and waste my money? Or do I continue and risk my gpa falling too low.

Friends- I have people I can call and talk to. But I feel like I don't have a niche anymore. I don't feel like I truly relate to any of my friends. We are all constantly changing and the expectations are so inconsistent. I worry about some. I miss others. I wish things had or hadn't happened between some of my male friends I miss so much.

Moving- Where will I live next year? Should I flip a coin and let fate decide? Or am I really the decisive factor...

I love the feeling of really caring for someone even though they're only a ghost of a memory. 

Alright. As much as I love my life when it's rolling along and I'm going to class and doing my thing... I hate when it pauses. 

Thanksgiving break has been very typical. I sit around, hang out with my family, and eat pie. And Normally during break you celebrate the fact that all of your friends are in town and you get together right? Well no surprise here, every single one of the people I attempted to make plans with has flaked out on me. I even expect that tomorrow I will have a shortened time with Naomi. Maybe getting a meal in with her before I have to go to work. While I don't miss high school so much, I miss how much the friendships mattered. How important my twin dates were, how important watching I love the 70's was with Renee. The endless trips to Krispie Kreme... 

I don't have that anymore. I don't have a group of friends. I have one here in Austin. Nicole. She's amazing and I love her, but I wish I had that group dynamic. I want to be able to have my own place again and have wine wednesdays. I want to have people just hang out. But my life right now doesn't cater to that. I'm too busy. And I honestly don't have anyone that would show up if I did invite them over. 

But this is what happens when I pause. When I'm not fully busy filling my day, I'm dwelling on what if's and why not's. So on Monday school starts up again and I wont be so discouraged wishing I had something I'm missing. 

I think what I'm really missing is my best friend. But you tend to take a hint when someone quits returning your phone calls. 

Change! It jingles.

Things have been rolling right along for me. I am so excited about how my life is just constantly changing and I love every minute of it. I am quitting Olive Garden. As great of an opportunity as it sounded I just can't see staying at 7.25 an hour and hating some of my fellow hostesses. Instead I am going to be paid 16 an hour to work with awesome children. I also just joined an independent winter guard. I can't wait to get back to performing again! I love it. Things are working out so well for me and I am so excited!!

Photography

I am sooooo in love with this photograph.

And since no one reads my blog. I think its safe here. 

Anyway I have been on a photographic high lately. 

I can't wait to take more.